rat, sword episode inspires painting. eh?

A work in progress. Title suggestions welcome.

Dear Dentist
The reason I was late for my appointment.

It’s Saturday and clearing out the garage was on the ‘to do’ list but we still had an hour before we needed to get ready to leave. We were making good progress until we found a forgotten animal carrier stuffed with handmade kangaroo joey bags. I started to pull the bags out so I could wash them and out jumped a rat. The rat ran through my feet, under the car, across the parking bays, over the front deck dodging between my two large dogs and in through the open front door of our house.

We both shouted NO! at the top of our lungs, because of course a rat understands English and good at obeying commands. Once we’d taken chase into the house, our independent and unspoken efficiency of dealing with the event was, if I may say so myself, impressive. Although it took a reasonable amount of time to execute, I managed to block rat access to the five rooms leading off the hallway. Doors were shut, towels or boxes were stuffed against door bottoms whilst my partner Albert stood guard in front of the settee the rat had ran under. Once all exits were blocked, I surveyed the area and recalled method I’d devised to get a snake out of my office last year. I decided to install a chicane leading from the settee in an arc to the open front door to aid rat diversion. Just as I was positioning a bagged set of golf clubs as part of the chicane another rat ran in through the door and straight under the settee.

Even as I write this I am completely mystified as to why this other rat had run in a good few minutes after the last one. Especially from such a distance and not under any threat. Albert shouts angrily at me “What the **!! are the dogs doing?” I look at the dogs thinking “OK French sheep herding dogs, you’re standing almost a metre from the ground with hair completely covering your eyes, how come you couldn’t see that small rat?”

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Meanwhile number rat one had climbed up the back of the settee and was sitting there looking Albert in the eye, rat two was in the process of climbing Albert’s claymore. Rat two was making a reasonable amount of progress I have to say which was bloody impressive since he was shinnying up a fairly sharp edge. Both these ratty activities did nothing for my dear heart’s temper and so he angrily flipped the settee on its front. Rat one went flying through the air and landed at Albert’s feet a little dazed. “Bad move RAT FACE!” shouted Albert and jumped on the luckless rat. 

I’m watching all this thinking rat two’s chances of survival were fairly slim since he was still hanging off the hilt of the claymore, and facing a really angry Scot. However, a neat dive and tackle snagged ratty two’s tail and he was subsequently escorted from the premises squeaking his protests all the way to the back of the garden shed.

This is pretty much a summary of events leading up to our departure for your surgery. I hope you can sympathise with our predicament, obviously one can’t allow uninvited rats free range to one’s home. It would be jolly decent of you to waive the ‘no show’ fee as I’m sure it won’t happen again.


Sincerely

Samantha